Finding the light... 1/16, 2015
There are days you wake-up and you know something bad is going to happen. You reach out with your senses and try to conjure up the “badness” to see just how bad it might be. You go through your day and you figure it out. You see it because you had the forethought to pay attention to the memo the Gods handed you. Was it as bad as you thought? What did you learn? Where was the lesson?
Today was my day to wake up and it felt like it should be Saturday and not a work day. The wee hours of the morning ticked by as I was getting ready, dread set in. I began to wonder if going to work might be a bad idea. Was the preverbal “twin towers” going to fall? How bad could it be? It was then, that the observer woke up and started paying attention.
On my way to the door we set the stage for a interesting day, I opened my email to find a note from the boss. In that moment I settled in to the feelings. Drowning in feelings of anger - frustration and bitterness came rushing in and clouded my mind. Yet there was a feeling of calmness to it all. I sat in the fulcrum between the good and the bad. I went to work and talked to a few people, I wasn't the only one to get the memo of ‘shape up’.
I struggled to find the lesson, I struggled to keep calm. I fought the urge to scream and throw a fit. Or worse to throw those daggers of anger in the direction of the source…which by then had become multiple sources. After lunch the weight kicked in even more…I held my own, I didn't give in to that anger, I let it swirl around me, occasionally slapping me as it went by and I held strong. Eventually it lifted like a fog when the sun comes out.
A friend and I went outside, her to smoke, me to vape. She asked, “What’s wrong?” I opened my mouth and nothing came out, nothing. I searched the inner catacombs of me, there was nothing there. She said, “come on, it's me, what’s wrong?”
And then I let it go and I started talking. The energy was all around me swirling, potentials in each gale, did I want to blow something up, or let it go? And many feelings in the middle. I knew that whatever it was it was outside of me, that my core was strong and that everything else was the thoughts of ego. I had been the observer, and when you look at the observer it goes away. I was there and I was not there, hidden somewhere in the middle of the maelstrom I was safe, not struggling but perplexed wondering how I had gotten to this point that I could watch all these feelings and yet keep them a safe distance from the core.
“Change is painful. Growth is painful. But nothing is more painful than being stuck somewhere you don't belong”.
Truer words have never been spoken. I don't belong there and I am taking steps to leave a career in computer work behind and have a life as a healer. It takes time and it is time well spent. I see that I have learned something from all the self-help stuff I have read and what schooling is helping me line-up as I become a better me. It's working. I am getting there. I will be the me I am meant to be…so much potential just gotta wait for the right moment.
I had spoken to a co-worker yesterday about wanting to do bad things with the energy and fling it back towards the person I have been struggling to understand and forgive. He commented to me that finding the positive energy would be healing for me as well as the source of this pain. I know those are real words and he is correct. So for the first time ever, today I was able to find that positive energy and gently give it to the source of my anger and pain. I came home and I lit a white seven day candle for the boss. Happiness and peace, may they find him and guide him.
My meditation teacher and her daughter have a quote, “Kindness is the only answer.” I have not been able to be kind in this matter so I have waited until I could be. I wondered what it would look like and feel like. I do believe I might have scored a touchdown. Up until this point I have never been able to hold my anger at bay, but witnessing exactly what I could do when in the seat of anger, I found peace and in the stillness I found my true self. I have read some the self-help books and inspirational quotes that basically say, when you find the light in the darkness you heal yourself. I have not been able to do that until now. Finally the key slipped into the lock and it fit the tumblers and the door opened. That's great, when I walked through that door, it became exceptional.
So if you find yourself struggling to find some truth or find some new way of being, just keep on trying, because one day, if you truly want it, it will find you. I had to get to the point where I was ready to say, no more and open my fist and let it sit there instead of clinging to it so tightly that it was painful to me, to my body, and to my soul. As one of the great teachers in our meditation circle said, invite it to tea, sit down with it while you have your tea and accept that it is there. Doesn't matter why it's there, just that in that moment the elephant is in the room and it took a dump on your living room floor.